Confident Parents Remarkable Kids by Bonnie Harris M.S.Ed.

I recently started reading the book Confident Parents Remarkable Kids by Bonnie Harris M.S.Ed. Based on just the introduction and the first chapter it seems ok and has some good ideas.

There are two things that keep this book being amazing. First, I have to figure out what she's trying to convey instead of it being completely clear. For example she mentions several times that punishments are an inappropriate way of dealing with misbehavior but there should still be good discipline. The key to this is understanding that your children want to be "successful" and be good people and treat them that way. Ummm . . . so what you mean is that you treat them like they are essentially good kids trying as hard as they can, and although there should be consequences for bad behavior, your first step should be to try to discover how their situation is causing them to act out of character but you should never punish them. . . .

I agree with their desire to do good and inappropriate punishment having negative results, I do. But here's my second issue with her book: I think there's nothing wrong when kids sometimes act out of a desire to achieve rewards or avoid negative consequences. (Dallin H. Oaks explained motivations well in his article "Why do we serve?") I believe that our primary motivating factor should be love. Our children should treat their siblings kindly because they care about one another. They should study because they enjoy learning and growing. They should take care of their rooms and toys because they appreciate them and love their home. However, this perspective is a challenge for most full grown adults. This is the ideal. There's nothing wrong with using other motivating factors as we work towards the ideal.

Desire for reward, social approval, and avoiding punishment are arguably the most self centered reasons and not what we want our kids to ultimately seek, but they're kids. They're learning. At birth they are naturally completely self-centered. Babies don't even understand that there are persons besides themselves. So my toddler can choose between walking into the house or being carried into the house, and she'll often choose walking for perfectly selfish reasons. I'm ok with that. As they get older we encourage them to move towards better motivators such as a sense of duty, loyalty, and to obtain long term goals and benefits. We do chores because being part of a family means having responsibilities. We're not going to spend money on fancy shoes because we want to go to Disney Land next year. And woven throughout all of that is the message that because of love we want what's best for you and what's best for our family. Love motivates us to do what's best and what's right. But if in the not to distant future Hana 's chooses to sit in her chair because otherwise Daddy will pin her to the chair, well, that's life.