Simplicity Parenting Applied, Part 3: The Rhythm of Routine

In my mind routines and schedules have often meant a twisted combination of boring predictability and uncomfortable constraint. Simplicity Parenting has changed my perspective. I loved Dr. Payne's description of life as a tune with the rhythm of routine and the  melody of schedule being played out in infinite variations. Without the background melody the symphony of life tends to descend into cacophony. A beautiful metaphor, but when it came to application I found myself struggling. We have routines, we do, but there was (and still is) room for improvement. So I do what I do when faced with any problem requiring pondering. I pulled out a post it note (or several notes), made a list, and tweaked it over a period of almost a month. I confess I'm still tweaking, but I doubt a polished, finished schedule and routine list is what Dr. Payne had in mind anyway.

Rhythms for infants and young children are like magic. The first time my daughter smiled was actually during her bedtime routine. It felt like she "got it" and was thrilled to know what was happening. (She wasn't much for smiles when she was an infant so this was a BIG deal.) When there's a routine you don't have to explain everything anew, "going through the motions" requires less energy, and shifting gears moves more smoothly. Almost like driving. In the beginning there seem to be a million different things to keep track of and then after a while you begin to do things automatically.

First there's the day. What happens when we wake up? What happens after breakfast? When we walk out the door? What happens before we take a nap? If it's repeated it can become more rhythmic. My goal is consistency. Now after breakfast there's a potty break, teeth brushing, hair tying, a 5 minute clean up, and book reading. Hana argues less about brushing her teeth and even 5 month old Branden understands that he's going to be playing in his rocker for a set amount of time.

Next there's the week. My goal was to distinguish each day from the next. Of course the kids don't have the days sorted out in their heads, but when I say Tuesday Hana says story time. That makes Tuesday Tuesday. We're still learning the other days. Sunday is church. Monday is Walker Family Home Evening. Wednesday Mommy has Tai Chi. Thursday brings the garbage truck. Friday is Zumba (sometimes). Saturday is pancakes (also sometimes). Our very imperfect song of the week is starting to come together. It's strangely comforting. Predictable.

Then there's the months and seasons. I'm still working on extending rhythm concept throughout the year with traditions for holidays, birthdays, and changes in seasons. I think the most memorable, favorite aspects of holidays are the ones lived over and over and over. Carving pumpkins. Hanging ornaments on the tree. Coloring rocks at the start of spring. Barbeques on the Fourth of July. Beautiful. (Btw, Meg Cox wrote a wonderful book on this entitled The Book of New Family Traditions.)

There are of course exceptions, changes, and unplanned spit-ups, but with a little bit of transparency and flexibility we seem to able to jump most of the hurdles with ease and often a smile. Dr. Payne emphasized the need to help children create visual images of what will happen and this is definitely essential for young children.

There also needs to be balance. Moments of release to talk, play, and relax. Calm days to detox after busy ones. The messiness of free play along side the order of organized activities. With all of the emphasis on organized athletics at younger and younger ages I thought Dr. Payne gave a timely reminder. He stated that the "messiness of free play, with its many changes and possibilities mirrors life and builds an inner flexibility." Truly in life there are no referees, team uniforms, and clear cut rules of play. There are few things that can better prepare us for the game of life than the spur of the moment, made up children's games.

Having a "melody" for the family protects the family. Routines and rituals help us bounce back more quickly from life's unexpected storms. Traditions tie us together. Weekly patterns help us recognize more quickly what stresses threaten to overwhelm us. Having a plan helps us cope with the unplanned. I've come to realize that far from restraining us routines and rhythms seem to loosen the stress that often ties us down, provide comfort, and give us the predictability necessary to enjoy the new and unexpected.

Simplicity Parenting Applied, Part 1: The Soul Fever

Reading the first part in Simplicity Parenting  resonated and coincided with Branden's birth. Our daughter Hana is a wonderful toddler, but this experience rocked her world. As a friend of mine recently put it, how would you feel if your husband brought home another wife?

I'd often viewed myself as the food bringer, clothes changer, and potty trainer, but when push came to shove she would prefer Daddy. When Branden came the biggest sign that something was wrong with Hana was how desperately she missed and wanted to be with me. I felt flattered but frustrated because Branden's needs were often more urgent. She was nice to the baby, but her fussiness and meltdowns escalated dramatically, and some days I felt that my terrific toddler had permanently morphed into a troublesome two year old.

Dr. Payne describes this as "soul fever". Life has knocked something within the child out of balance and he or she begins to misbehave or take former quirks to extremes. I perceived this instinctively but wasn't able to see it fully or respond effectively. He makes the following suggestions.
 

• Suspend normal routines and take a break from life so they can recover their equilibrium
• Hold them close physically and emotionally
• Give them time to recover, recovery is a natural process
• Look at them with love to see who they are beyond current challenges

The last step was actually my first step. I would get so frustrated that I forgot that this wasn't who Hana was or wanted to be, her misbehavior was merely the result of her circumstances. If I wanted my sunny, smiling daughter back, I was the one who needed to make adjustments. 

So adjustments were made. I couldn't keep up the same pace and give them both the care they needed, so we cut back. We ate more pizza's and Wendy's, and I didn't make it to the gym for quite a while. Hana's needs were no longer subjected to Branden's but both were given equal weight. Sometimes this meant that Branden sat in the swing or was left fussing while I helped Hana. I learned to trust that although I couldn't meet all their demands, my best would be enough to meet all their needs. Gradually Hana came to trust that I love and value both her and her brother. Both are precious to me.

Hana did not do a 180 overnight. Change happened gradually for all of us as we found our rhythm again and returned to our ever changing but happy, normal selves. I wish that I had read Dr. Payne's book earlier, but as it was his words of understanding and advice were exactly what I needed to help Hana and myself take the final steps to complete recovery from her "soul fever".

Families are Forever If I Can Just Get Through Today

An interesting read.

I often ask my favorite moms if they have any books that they recommend. This is one that my best friend Rachel recommended. She said it wasn't a how to book, but she picked up a couple of things from it and enjoyed seeing how another mother lived. I agree.

I should skim through it again to refresh my memory, but here's my impression 3 years later :) My main thought was "if she can succeed with twins and triplets then I can definitely survive one". I think her rules for when kids should sleep through the night goes against the AAP's recommendation, she's clearly Mormon and most people would never have so many kids, but I liked it. Don't go out and buy it, but if it's at the library or a friend happens to have it you might consider reading it.

That said, there were two things I learned, loved, and live: kids can sit still and schedule flexibility.

Janice Weinheimer taught all her kids to sit still for an hour at the age of one. Yeah, "WhAT?!" But I figured, hey, she did it with all her kids, I'll give it a shot. And it worked. Seriously. I couldn't do 12 months, it just seemed so young. (I have a hard time sitting still that long and I'm 28.) But at 14 months we started sitting on the floor 3-4 times a week with just Mommy, Hana and one toy. She did it everyday with no toys, but that just seemed too mean. At first I felt like a sadistic, torturing beast of a parent. She would cry and scream and try to escape for the entire 15-20 minutes, but after a few times she magically calmed down. She still didn't like it, but we were consistent and she knew what to expect. Eventually we hit that hour mark and limited our sessions to once or twice a week for a month before stopping all together.

Patience is a learned skill, and after watching Hana I've come to feel that as parents we often do our kids a disservice by not teaching them how to simply wait. The ability to sit without needing to be entertained is a wonderful life skill.

I have yet to see another baby sit through an hour long church meeting without any toys, but Hana does it every week. It's AMAZING. Rob and I actually get to listen to the speakers instead of drawing pictures for her or helping her with an I pad. I pack a drink and sometimes a snack if I know that she'll be hungry, but I don't need to bring an entire playroom. Every once in a while she needs to be reminded that she can either sit by herself or sit with help and much less mobility, but overall we're successful.

The second thing I learned was that she did many things when she had a desire to do them and this helped her get a lot done. If she wanted to spend a day baking then she made enough loaves to last 3 weeks. If she felt like sewing then she got all the Halloween costumes out of the way in just a day. I used to try to do a little bit of everything everyday. I now have a weekly to do list, but it's flexible. If I really don't feel like cleaning a toilet then I spend whatever free time I have working on my current art project or reading a book. Then if I feel like cleaning I CLEAN and normally that means that I get all the chores for the week done in a day or two. This not only means that I have the will power to get things done, but that I'm focused on just one or two additional things each day and that focus can be very powerful.



I couldn't find a website for Janice Weinheimer, but you can read a brief bio here.
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(Except I'm not really recommending ordering it.)

Simplicity Parenting

LOVE LOVE LOVE

There is a need to protect our kids from the overwhelming "too much". Have you ever tried cleaning a room and that left you slightly paralyzed just by looking at it? Apparently kids can feel the same way about life too, but by good stuff like toys, activities, and media.

When I was growing up we were probably the classic hectic family with super-chauffeur mom. My mother loved us a lot. She wanted us to sample everything and be "well rounded" people. I remember doing piano, chorus, and violin. I did swimming for several years and went on to sample cross country and soccer in addition to playing basketball at church. We had weekly youth meetings at church and early morning seminary during high school. I did math club, Science Olympiad, and Beta Club. I remember lettering in orchestra and taking an after school SAT class. Down time was unproductive time, and I was left with the impression that if I wasn't busy and tired most of the time I wasn't living up to my potential.

For me reading this book was liking taking a breath that relaxed my soul. This is life worth living. I want this. I want bulwarks in the day like prayers and night time rituals. I want to know there will be room to breathe and just be. I want to become immersed in something fun, regularly. I want traditions that happened every year along with the leaves falling from the trees, frost glittering on the asphalt, and the crisp herald of spring in the air. I want a home where stuff and space and life can live in harmony. Just the thought of such a life warms an unnamed part of me that has been seeking something for a long time.

Dr. Payne's webpage is www.simplicityparenting.com
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