Simplicity Parenting Applied, Part 1: The Soul Fever

Reading the first part in Simplicity Parenting  resonated and coincided with Branden's birth. Our daughter Hana is a wonderful toddler, but this experience rocked her world. As a friend of mine recently put it, how would you feel if your husband brought home another wife?

I'd often viewed myself as the food bringer, clothes changer, and potty trainer, but when push came to shove she would prefer Daddy. When Branden came the biggest sign that something was wrong with Hana was how desperately she missed and wanted to be with me. I felt flattered but frustrated because Branden's needs were often more urgent. She was nice to the baby, but her fussiness and meltdowns escalated dramatically, and some days I felt that my terrific toddler had permanently morphed into a troublesome two year old.

Dr. Payne describes this as "soul fever". Life has knocked something within the child out of balance and he or she begins to misbehave or take former quirks to extremes. I perceived this instinctively but wasn't able to see it fully or respond effectively. He makes the following suggestions.
 

• Suspend normal routines and take a break from life so they can recover their equilibrium
• Hold them close physically and emotionally
• Give them time to recover, recovery is a natural process
• Look at them with love to see who they are beyond current challenges

The last step was actually my first step. I would get so frustrated that I forgot that this wasn't who Hana was or wanted to be, her misbehavior was merely the result of her circumstances. If I wanted my sunny, smiling daughter back, I was the one who needed to make adjustments. 

So adjustments were made. I couldn't keep up the same pace and give them both the care they needed, so we cut back. We ate more pizza's and Wendy's, and I didn't make it to the gym for quite a while. Hana's needs were no longer subjected to Branden's but both were given equal weight. Sometimes this meant that Branden sat in the swing or was left fussing while I helped Hana. I learned to trust that although I couldn't meet all their demands, my best would be enough to meet all their needs. Gradually Hana came to trust that I love and value both her and her brother. Both are precious to me.

Hana did not do a 180 overnight. Change happened gradually for all of us as we found our rhythm again and returned to our ever changing but happy, normal selves. I wish that I had read Dr. Payne's book earlier, but as it was his words of understanding and advice were exactly what I needed to help Hana and myself take the final steps to complete recovery from her "soul fever".