Simplicity Parenting Applied, Part 1: The Soul Fever

Reading the first part in Simplicity Parenting  resonated and coincided with Branden's birth. Our daughter Hana is a wonderful toddler, but this experience rocked her world. As a friend of mine recently put it, how would you feel if your husband brought home another wife?

I'd often viewed myself as the food bringer, clothes changer, and potty trainer, but when push came to shove she would prefer Daddy. When Branden came the biggest sign that something was wrong with Hana was how desperately she missed and wanted to be with me. I felt flattered but frustrated because Branden's needs were often more urgent. She was nice to the baby, but her fussiness and meltdowns escalated dramatically, and some days I felt that my terrific toddler had permanently morphed into a troublesome two year old.

Dr. Payne describes this as "soul fever". Life has knocked something within the child out of balance and he or she begins to misbehave or take former quirks to extremes. I perceived this instinctively but wasn't able to see it fully or respond effectively. He makes the following suggestions.
 

• Suspend normal routines and take a break from life so they can recover their equilibrium
• Hold them close physically and emotionally
• Give them time to recover, recovery is a natural process
• Look at them with love to see who they are beyond current challenges

The last step was actually my first step. I would get so frustrated that I forgot that this wasn't who Hana was or wanted to be, her misbehavior was merely the result of her circumstances. If I wanted my sunny, smiling daughter back, I was the one who needed to make adjustments. 

So adjustments were made. I couldn't keep up the same pace and give them both the care they needed, so we cut back. We ate more pizza's and Wendy's, and I didn't make it to the gym for quite a while. Hana's needs were no longer subjected to Branden's but both were given equal weight. Sometimes this meant that Branden sat in the swing or was left fussing while I helped Hana. I learned to trust that although I couldn't meet all their demands, my best would be enough to meet all their needs. Gradually Hana came to trust that I love and value both her and her brother. Both are precious to me.

Hana did not do a 180 overnight. Change happened gradually for all of us as we found our rhythm again and returned to our ever changing but happy, normal selves. I wish that I had read Dr. Payne's book earlier, but as it was his words of understanding and advice were exactly what I needed to help Hana and myself take the final steps to complete recovery from her "soul fever".

Families are Forever If I Can Just Get Through Today

An interesting read.

I often ask my favorite moms if they have any books that they recommend. This is one that my best friend Rachel recommended. She said it wasn't a how to book, but she picked up a couple of things from it and enjoyed seeing how another mother lived. I agree.

I should skim through it again to refresh my memory, but here's my impression 3 years later :) My main thought was "if she can succeed with twins and triplets then I can definitely survive one". I think her rules for when kids should sleep through the night goes against the AAP's recommendation, she's clearly Mormon and most people would never have so many kids, but I liked it. Don't go out and buy it, but if it's at the library or a friend happens to have it you might consider reading it.

That said, there were two things I learned, loved, and live: kids can sit still and schedule flexibility.

Janice Weinheimer taught all her kids to sit still for an hour at the age of one. Yeah, "WhAT?!" But I figured, hey, she did it with all her kids, I'll give it a shot. And it worked. Seriously. I couldn't do 12 months, it just seemed so young. (I have a hard time sitting still that long and I'm 28.) But at 14 months we started sitting on the floor 3-4 times a week with just Mommy, Hana and one toy. She did it everyday with no toys, but that just seemed too mean. At first I felt like a sadistic, torturing beast of a parent. She would cry and scream and try to escape for the entire 15-20 minutes, but after a few times she magically calmed down. She still didn't like it, but we were consistent and she knew what to expect. Eventually we hit that hour mark and limited our sessions to once or twice a week for a month before stopping all together.

Patience is a learned skill, and after watching Hana I've come to feel that as parents we often do our kids a disservice by not teaching them how to simply wait. The ability to sit without needing to be entertained is a wonderful life skill.

I have yet to see another baby sit through an hour long church meeting without any toys, but Hana does it every week. It's AMAZING. Rob and I actually get to listen to the speakers instead of drawing pictures for her or helping her with an I pad. I pack a drink and sometimes a snack if I know that she'll be hungry, but I don't need to bring an entire playroom. Every once in a while she needs to be reminded that she can either sit by herself or sit with help and much less mobility, but overall we're successful.

The second thing I learned was that she did many things when she had a desire to do them and this helped her get a lot done. If she wanted to spend a day baking then she made enough loaves to last 3 weeks. If she felt like sewing then she got all the Halloween costumes out of the way in just a day. I used to try to do a little bit of everything everyday. I now have a weekly to do list, but it's flexible. If I really don't feel like cleaning a toilet then I spend whatever free time I have working on my current art project or reading a book. Then if I feel like cleaning I CLEAN and normally that means that I get all the chores for the week done in a day or two. This not only means that I have the will power to get things done, but that I'm focused on just one or two additional things each day and that focus can be very powerful.



I couldn't find a website for Janice Weinheimer, but you can read a brief bio here.
Order at Amazon.com
(Except I'm not really recommending ordering it.)

The 90-Minute Baby Sleep Program

LOVE LOVE LOVE

I actually read this after Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, so the "sleep is good" information felt a bit redundant, and I don't agree with all her advice, but WHY ISN'T THE 90 MINUTE ADVICE IN EVERY BABY BOOK EVER????!!!!!

The basic idea is that humans have a 90 minute awake cycle. So counting from the time we wake up at the end of every 90 minutes we have a slight dip in energy and might even feel sleepy. In babies this is super pronounced since they sleep more often. For Branden (3 months right now) every time he wakes I just need to glance at the clock, add 90 minutes and viola! 75% of the time that's when he'll nap next. The other 25% of the time I wasn't sure when he woke up, he took a cat nap which throws him off, he wants to stay up another 90 minutes, etc. Don't get me wrong, knowing this didn't stop him from crying for 3 hours before falling asleep at 2 AM, but it's soooo useful. (I did my best to get him to stop crying, but, well, obviously I'm still working on that.)

This worked great for his big sister Hana too. She was a mystery baby because she never got red eyed or even very fussy before she became over tired so this was invaluable. When she was very, very young she would frequently stay up for just 45 minutes (coincidentally half of 90 minutes, don't ask me for a scientific explanation, that's just what she did.)  As she got older the time would increase and she would stay up for 3 hours, take a morning nap, stay up for another 3 or 4.5 hours before her afternoon nap, then wake up for another 90 minutes or 3 hours before falling asleep for the night.

It's a little book, and it's not really full of information (a pamphlet might have sufficed), and you shouldn't expect miracles, but I use it every day.


Dr. Moore's website is http://www.pollymoore.com/ (not very interesting)
Order from Amazon

Simplicity Parenting

LOVE LOVE LOVE

There is a need to protect our kids from the overwhelming "too much". Have you ever tried cleaning a room and that left you slightly paralyzed just by looking at it? Apparently kids can feel the same way about life too, but by good stuff like toys, activities, and media.

When I was growing up we were probably the classic hectic family with super-chauffeur mom. My mother loved us a lot. She wanted us to sample everything and be "well rounded" people. I remember doing piano, chorus, and violin. I did swimming for several years and went on to sample cross country and soccer in addition to playing basketball at church. We had weekly youth meetings at church and early morning seminary during high school. I did math club, Science Olympiad, and Beta Club. I remember lettering in orchestra and taking an after school SAT class. Down time was unproductive time, and I was left with the impression that if I wasn't busy and tired most of the time I wasn't living up to my potential.

For me reading this book was liking taking a breath that relaxed my soul. This is life worth living. I want this. I want bulwarks in the day like prayers and night time rituals. I want to know there will be room to breathe and just be. I want to become immersed in something fun, regularly. I want traditions that happened every year along with the leaves falling from the trees, frost glittering on the asphalt, and the crisp herald of spring in the air. I want a home where stuff and space and life can live in harmony. Just the thought of such a life warms an unnamed part of me that has been seeking something for a long time.

Dr. Payne's webpage is www.simplicityparenting.com
Order from Amazon

This is the blog that I couldn't find.

There are so many blogs about books that I thought it wouldn't be difficult to find one devoted to parenting books, but I haven't found one yet so I decided to create my own. I've loved reading parenting books ever since I started the quest to expand our two person family. I'm always seeking to live life just a little better and raising kids is such a wonderfully dynamic thing that there's always something I can adjust, add, eliminate, or emphasize in my quest to help my children grow. There are so many amazing parents out there to learn from and so much research to help us understand children and parenting better. Parenting is FUN, and I LOVE PARENTING BOOKS.